Style Conversational Week 1436: Stop me if you’ve seen this one before
The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week’s movie-title contest
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“Garfield: The Movie” — the Oliver Stone conspiracy version — as envisioned by Loser Pam Sweeney in Week 625. Actually this engraving of President Garfield's assassination (the assailant is being apprehended at a New Jersey railroad station) appeared in Frank Leslie's Illustrated Newspaper in 1881.
By 
Pat Myers
May 13, 2021 at 4:29 p.m. EDT

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There’s a good rule among newspaper editors, one that’s useful for anyone making any pronouncement: If you say something is the oldest, first, biggest, etc., be prepared to run a correction, because there just has to be one exception to prove you wrong.

The original version of this week’s Style Invitational, Week 1436, stated that the new contest — to summarize an alternative plot for any real movie title — was our first of this kind since all the way back at Week 625 in 2005. It took exactly five minutes after I posted the contest to the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group, at 10:27 Thursday morning, for Duncan Stevens to note, “Week 1247 (reinterpret a movie title, supply a quote) was along the same general lines, FWIW.”

Oops. For some reason (= we are slobs) both Keeper of the Invite Stats Elden Carnahan and I failed to notice the description of Week 1247 (October 2017) sitting right there in Elden’s own superduper Master Contest List on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org. It was even coded properly with “MOV” so that it showed up on a list just of movie contests, though granted it was 53rd on a small-type list of 59 items. But Duncan — who’d suggested the contest in the first place, with the twist of including a quote — remembered it as one of his favorites.


Fortunately, I’m able to post the Invite online several hours before the print Post’s Arts & Style section goes to press late Thursday afternoons, and the Devotees inevitably point out something that needs a fix before The Rest of the World notices. And fortunately, they’re still making lots of movies, so yes, we may carry on!

The list of movie-title jokes we’ve already used is now a lot longer, but I’m sure there are lots more to be had. So while you can certainly use one of the movies listed below for Week 1436, don’t use the same joke! Here are the results from the two — pretty sure there aren’t more than that — preceding different-plot contests:

Note that some of the inking entries allude to the real plot of the movie, while others don’t at all. We have room for both kinds. Still, a familiar title tends to be funnier for this contest than an obscure one, since the reader will laugh at the transformation (and/or the allusion to the original); on the other hand, I didn’t need to know “Maria Full of Grace” to laugh at the cannibalism joke.


And look at all those names from 2005 who still play the Invitational regularly or participate in the Devotees! (We do regret the Invite-retirement of Peter Metrinko and Russell Beland, who inked up the joint in Week 625.)

Report from Week 625 [2005], an early contest of the Empress], in which we asked you to come up with an alternative plot for an actual movie title:

Dozens of Losers ventured that “Casablanca” was about the household of the first Hispanic president, and that “A River Runs Through It” was a travelogue of New Orleans.

Third runner-up: The Whole Nine Yards: Kirstie Alley’s instructional video on making a miniskirt. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) [In 2021, fat jokes about a particular person don’t tend to be so funny]

Second runner-up: Baby Makes Three: A new mother finds something really, really disgusting in a used diaper. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


First runner-up: White Men Can’t Jump: Three-year-old Bobby Fischer learns the rules of chess. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

And the winner of the Inker: The Asphalt Jungle: In this series finale, Tarzan suffers his untimely death. (Kevin Jamison, Montgomery Village)

Honorable Mentions:

The Magnificent Seven: Aftermath of a nuclear disaster, starring Dolly Parton. (Gordon Jones, Draper, Utah)

Garfield: The Movie: Oliver Stone finds another presidential assassination conspiracy. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: The story of Louisiana’s fight to save its community baseball fields. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

She’s All That: After a suicide bombing, forensic investigators have lots to piece together. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Yojimbo: A daring new chapter in the enduring saga finds Rocky Balboa going back in time to defend President and Dolley Madison from the invading British. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)


Silent Running: A mime, frustrated by the government’s refusal to support his endangered art, launches an unusual campaign for public office. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

Gone in Sixty Seconds: A documentary on America’s recent budget surplus. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) [budget surplus!]

The Shawshank Redemption: Michael Moore’s film about a man who finds a coupon for a free shawshank in his Val-Pak and his struggles with Corporate America to redeem it. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria)

She Wore a Yellow Ribbon: The owner of a small-town strip club finds a loophole in the city’s anti-nudity law. (Russell Beland)

You’ve Got Mail: King Arthur convenes the Knights of the Round Table. (Charles Mann, Baileys Crossroads)

The Big Easy: The Mae West Story. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

The Exorcist: A woman with poor English skills becomes an aerobics instructor. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)


Sorry, Wrong Number: Barbara Stanwyck portrays a tough-as-nails heiress who, day after day, fails to win the lottery. (Matthew Cole, Northfield, Minn.)

I Know What You Did Last Summer: An IRS agent pursues a lifeguard over undeclared poolside earnings. (Steven King, Oakton)

Chariots of Fire: In ancient Rome, a cartwright’s wagons explode when pulled by pintos. (Brendan Beary)

Fantastic Four: A man tries to convince women that it’s not the size, but what you do with it. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Tom Witte)

Around the World in 80 Days: The story of the world’s slowest hooker. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas)

Gladiator: The true confessions of Hannibal Lecter. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: A Sly Stallone retrospective. (Russell Beland)

Stand By Me: The story of a man who always gets discount airline seats. (Russell Beland)


Maria Full of Grace: A gruesome tale of cannibalism in a small-town convent. (Katherine Burke, Washington)

Spring Break: A child is traumatized when his beloved Slinky rusts out. (Tom Witte)

Total Recall: Poisoned wheat flakes kill hundreds as a cereal killer strikes. Only complete regurgitation can stave off death. What did you have for breakfast? (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

The Bad News Bears: The Berenstain family goes to Iraq. (Erika Reinfeld, Medford, Mass.)

March of the Penguins: An enthusiastic young basketball coach inspires little Youngstown State to reach the Final Four. (Pam Sweeney)

Groundhog Day: The folks from “Deliverance” celebrate Thanksgiving. (Michelle Stupak)

Miracle on 34th Street: A house in Georgetown actually sells for under a million dollars. It is, however, only six feet wide, having been a stable up until 1904. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) [now it’d be “under two million”]


This Is Spinal Tap: Part 3 of the successful documentary series, on the heels of “This Is Goiter Removal” and “This Is Colon Irrigation.” (Russell Beland)

The Green Mile: A rival team sabotages a track meet with food poisoning. (Peter Metrinko)

The Last Temptation of Christ: The story of the man who ran the dessert cart at the Last Supper. (Art Grinath)

The Man Who Knew Too Much: Gov. George W. Bush realizes that the American voting public is put off by smarty-pants officials. So he begins a crafty campaign to make himself look less intelligent than the average voter. (John Shea)

Northwest Passage: The D.C. neighborhood clash over Klingle Street access culminates in a hilarious quiche fight . (George Vary, Bethesda)

The 40-Year-Old Virgin: Chef Tell is pressured to uncork his final bottle of rare vintage olive oil. (Ryan Poston, Florence, S.C.)

ADVERTISING


Twelve Angry Men: Chaos ensues when budget cuts force a small town in Nebraska to drop the Drummers Drumming from the Christmas pageant. (Bill Thompson, Columbia)

An American in Paris: The biggest Internet porn video of 2003. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

Return of the Jedi: In Part 1 of an epic trilogy, the patriarch of the Clampett clan leaves Beverly Hills in a journey back to his ancestral homeland. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

And from 2017:

FILM QUIPS: REIMAGINED MOVIE PLOTS FROM WEEK 1247

In Week 1247 we asked you to reinterpret a movie title with a line from your “script.” Number of fart jokes submitted about a reimagined “Gone With the Wind”: 30.

4th place:

12 Years a Slave: “No, Olivia, I don’t think it’s unfair that I expect you to help with the dishes and keep your room clean.” (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

3rd place:

The Pelican Brief: “And the pouch on our design will be so much roomier than Fruit of the Looms. We'll make a fortune!” (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

2nd place and the book “Who Farted”:

Notting Hill: “We will not fix health care. We will not fix immigration. We will not fix infrastructure. We will not fix taxes . . . " (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

A Man Called Horse: “No, Mr. President, that is only half of what they call you.” (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Snubplots: Honorable mentions

Three Days of the Condor: “More leftovers of this stuff? Why can't Mom cook turkey for Thanksgiving like everyone else?” (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.; Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)

Boyz N the Hood: “Grand Wizard Duke, sir? I think we could broaden our appeal to, uh, less rural guys by calling ourselves something a little more hip. I have a suggestion . . . " (Danielle Nowlin)

The Thin Red Line: “Confirming the suspicions of many riders, we have discovered that portions of the Metro were built out of tinfoil.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Full Metal Jacket: “Now that one really suits you, Mr. 3PO.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

In the Heat of the Night: “When your air conditioning goes out, call me: Mr. Tibbs.” (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

For Your Eyes Only: “You know, you really shouldn't drink Visine.” (Jesse Frankovich)

The Shawshank Redemption: “I'm going to the pawnshop to get my shawshank back.” (Gary Crockett)

Stand and Deliver: “She's in labor! How can this hospital have no empty beds?” (Mark Prysant, Silver Spring, Md.)

The Cider House Rules: “Man oh man, this is one awesome cider house.” (Duncan Stevens)

The 39 Steps: “Where's that stupid hex wrench? Sheez, I don't think we'll ever get this bookshelf together . . ."(Larry Gray)

The 400 Blows: “Sure, the Model 300 is underwhelming, but if you think the 300 sucks, believe me . . .” (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

Apocalypse Now: “But Mr. President, don’t you think we should confer with the Joint Chiefs of Staff first?” (Danielle Nowlin)

Around the World in 80 Days: “Mr. Fogg, United has the best baggage system in the industry. I guarantee your bag will be returned very soon.” (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Bridge of Spies: “You see, the microphone device fits right here inside the dental material . . .” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Captain Phillips: “Lieutenant Flathead, it looks like we're really screwed — unless the Captain turns up in time.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Chain Reaction: “He told me it was 14-karat, but look! It turned my neck green!” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Clueless: “Well, I don't know, was it Professor Plum in the ballroom with the candlestick? You tell me — I'm just the caterer.” (Colin Schatz, Oakland, Calif.)

Free Willy: “In sports news, we have to pixelate the results of the men’s marathon in Slovakia . . .” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Hidden Figures: “Do you really think you'll have any success selling burqas in Beverly Hills?” (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Hidden Figures: “I want to know why all the people in that yuge inauguration crowd didn't show up in the photos!” (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.)

How to Train Your Dragon: “Well, it'll depend on what works for you. For me, thinking of baseball does the trick, though in an emergency you could think of Grandma in her swimsuit.” (Danielle Nowlin)

Invasion of the Body Snatchers: “I'm sorry, sir, but the dressing room is for pageant contestants only.” (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento)

Love Actually: “Is it '15-zero' or '15-oh'?" (Jesse Frankovich)

Mrs. Doubtfire: “Get real, Oog. You no expect me believe you make flames with two sticks.” (Jesse Frankovich)

No Strings Attached: “If you walk out that door, Pinocchio, you are on your own!” (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Strangers on a Train: “Watch it, you guys, you're standing on my bridal gown!” (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

The NeverEnding Story: “Sure, why not take another crack at Repeal and Replace?” (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

The Thing: “Grandson, could you bring me over that . . . whatchamacallit . . .” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

There Will Be Blood: “It's just a garbage disposal, Sharon, how hard could it be to fix?” (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va.)

Wall-E: “And in the event that the Mexicans make it past my first four great, great walls . . .” (James Kruger, New York)

Must Love Dogs: “No way! I'll do nudity, but I am not doing a scene like that!” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

The Quiet Man: " .” (Larry Gray)

Happily ever laughter*: The results of Week 1432
*Too-long-for-print non-inking headline by Beverley Sharp

It’s hard to match the devilishly adorable “fairy tail reboots for adults” that 176-time Loser Melissa Balmain features in her new book of verse, “The Witch Demands a Retraction,” but then we have our Loserbards, who stepped up to our contest inspired by the book but broadened to include nursery rhymes and children’s books and songs, and mini-stories as well as poems.

Melissa’s signed copy goes to second-place Loser Frank Osen, but if you order the book and email her at melissa.balmain@rochester.edu (or message her on Facebook), she’ll be happy to sign a bookplate — and dedicate it to a fellow Loser, if that’s the case — and send it to you so that you can paste it on the inside cover.

It’s the second Clowning Achievement in just five weeks for Gary Crockett — his 17th win all time — who seems to have quickened his lope to a sprint to the gate of the 500-ink Style Invitational Hall of Fame, his win plus two honorable mentions this week put him at 494 blots.

Now that the CDC has announced that if you’re vaccinated among vaccinated people, you are TOTALLY FREE TO PARTAY indoors or out, and show off your new lipstick to boot, I would be thrilled to congratulate Gary in front of his pee-ers later this year at a Loser function. Since we haven’t gathered since our last Loser celebration — the Post-Holiday Party of January 2020 — except for a couple of outdoor outings in Gettysburg, Pa., I’m awfully eager to get back to our regular schedule of monthly brunches and especially the Flushies, our annual awards potluck and singalong, which was supposed to happen last June at Chez Sam Mertens at his family’s house-on-acreage in Montgomery County, Md. Last time I talked to Sam, he was still game, so what do you say, Loser Party Organizers and Guests?

Gary’s winning entry, once again refuting my prediction that I wouldn’t want to continue our emphasis on The Former Occupant:

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

Then he made them go away

Encumbered by an NDA.

(But richer by one-thirty K.)

Hildy Zampella went for the yuck-yuk in her Mary Had a Little Lamb/ Little Bo Peep tie-in, while Alex Steelsmith elegantly paraphrased the Little Dutch Boy story with a zinger at the end.

What Doug Dug: He’s back! After working part time while recovering from that pesky heart attack, Ace Copy Editor is back with us to read the Invite most Wednesdays, and to weigh in with his favorites. This week Doug enjoyed Gary’s winner as well as Frank Osen’s runner-up “Emperor’s New Clothiers” among the honorable mentions he singled out David Young’s socialist Jesus (I hope people don’t complain about my including the Bible under “folk tales”), Gary Crockett’s allegorical mini-story about the boy who cried wolf “because there was a wolf,” and almost-newbie Kate Baughman’s tale of the Little Mermaid who found that losing her voice was just fine, once she learned she sounded alternatively like Gilbert Gottfried, Christopher Walken and Ringo Starr.

Great Minds etc.: Both Rob Cohen and Jesse Frankovich had poems about Rapunzel’s golden tresses turning out to be armpit hair. Which reminded Doug of this classic Don Martin cartoon from Mad Magazine (you have to click because I don’t have the rights to reproduce it here).

Here’s Rob’s:

The man called, “Rapunzel! Let down your long hair

So that I may climb up your golden stair”

But when he ascended, much to his alarm

He found her hair sprouted from under her arm.

And Jesse’s Your Mama joke:

If Your Mama were trapped in a tower,

By a suitor she soon would be saved—

He'd just climb up her locks to her bower,

For her armpits have never been shaved.

What a bad boy are you! Unprintables from Week 1432

While the Invitational has run humor more than once alluding to Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s bawdy rap song “WAP,” I didn’t think this would make it past the Taste Police:

Pussycat, pussycat, what’s your locale?

Hangin’ with Cardi and Megan Thee Stall.

Pussycat, what sort of stuff there was voiced?

They’re writing a song that got me all moist. (Duncan Stevens, who did supply alternative wording but it didn’t get ink anyway)

And certainly not this, by Tom Witte:

Cardi, Cardi, saucy and hardy,

How does your garden grow?

With slippery swells that parallel,

And nectar all aflow.

Not to mention this one, also by Witte (I didn’t even have to check)

Jack Sprat enjoyed some “cat.”

His missus relished “peen.”

And thus, this very happy pair

Would lick each other clean.